Welcome to this special edition of The Evening News. 

Tonight, we will be taking an in-depth look at one of the most contentious issues facing America, Global Climate Change.

Is it real? Is it carbon unit made? Is it natural, unnatural, supernatural, preternatural?

To answer these questions and others, we will be going back to 1970. A study, conducted by Professor Bullard C. Dingbat PhD, JD, AKA, DOA of the Harvard University Institute of Pseudo-Science, brought to light the first evidence of the effects of carbon unit activity on climate.

Dr. Dingbat observed that in winter, when carbon units wear heavy clothing, the weather turns cold. Likewise, when carbon units wear less clothing, the weather warms.

To prove that this was not just a seasonal occurrence, Professor Dingbat noted that Eskimos wear heavy clothing year-round and the weather in those areas stays cold. Polynesians, on the other hand, go about nearly naked all year and the weather remains warm.

This led to a flood of studies as pseudo-scientists around the world began looking for more correlations between carbon unit activity and weather.

 In 1972, another phenomenon was observed. When most carbon units sleep, it is dark outside. When they awaken, it is daylight. Could carbon unit activity be affecting the rotation of the earth?

The growing body of evidence that carbon unit activity could have an effect on the climate led to a new branch of environmental pseudo-science, Climo-Carbo-Unitology.  Climo-Carbo-Unitologists soon began to investigate Climo-Carbo-Unitilogical relationships.

At the same time, legislators, looking for new ways to squander taxpayer’s money, began handing out billions of taxpayer dollars in grants to local universities. Hungry for a piece of the grant cash pie, Climo-Carbo-Unitologists  began sounding the alarms on the dangerous effects that C-C-U relationships could have on the weather and, ultimately, the environment.

The disaster race was on. C-C-U research departments around the nation began competing to see who could predict the worst catastrophe. Like prophets in the park, university professors were proclaiming, “The end is near.”  

 In November of 1972, the former head of Poultry Studies at U.C. Berkeley, Dr. Wilbur “Chicken” Little, was elected to Congress. Dr. Little, as the Democrat representative from the People’s Republic of California, introduced a resolution to make perilous C-C-U relationships a Congressional priority.

At the same time, President Nixon was under heavy fire because of Watergate. Hoping to win allies in Congress, he adopted C-C-U relationships as a personal cause. Nixon established the Department of Government Interference in Nearly Everyone’s Life, DOGINEL. He appointed his longtime friend, Bruno “The Proctologist” Goering, to be the first Secretary of DOGINEL. Goering was directed to make C-C-U his primary focus.

In 1973, President Nixon was slipping out the back door of the White House in order to avoid impeachment hearings. Cynics believe that he turned the DOGINEL loose on America as a last act of defiance, sort of like giving America the bureaucratic finger.

 Also, in crisis-prone 1973, it was discovered that hair spray was destroying the ozone layer. Ozone supposedly protected the earth from the harmful rays of the sun. Hundreds of thousands of large-haired female carbon units protested. They couldn’t see a problem. Since, according to the weather report in the daily paper, ozone was listed as a pollutant, they believed that the use of ozone-destroying hairspray should be beneficial to the environment. 

Pseudo-scientists explained that ozone in the air was very bad, while ozone in the atmosphere was very good. Pseudo-scientists then unsuccessfully tried to explain the difference between air and atmosphere.

Dr. Sheldon Shelby, Professor Emeritus of pre-Mayan Mayan Literature at Yale’s School for Obscure Studies, stepped into the fray. Professor Shelby won the Nobel Obfuscation Prize for a paper that gave what is now considered to be an irrefutable explanation of the difference between air and atmosphere. “The single most important difference between Air and Atmosphere is the spelling.”

 Hardly had the “holey ozone” threat been addressed when it was overshadowed by a greater danger. In 1975, America was hit with the coldest winter on record. The upper Chesapeake Bay froze from bank to bank. Another extreme winter followed the next year. Pseudo-scientists were now predicting the imminent return of the glaciers. The lead article in the “Science” section of the April 28, 1975 issue of Newsweek announced the looming presence of the next Ice Age.

Snowmobile stocks skyrocketed with the plummeting temperatures. Ski resorts were built in southern New Mexico as entrepreneurs attempted to heat up their portfolios by cashing in on the coming cold.

 This news wasn’t really new as ice age predictions had been going on continually since back in the 1930’s. Except, of course, when they were interrupted by predictions of global warming.

 Traditional pseudo-scientists claimed that the extreme cold was the result of all the heavy clothing that carbon units were wearing. This was dismissed by neo-pseudo-scientists as “Been there. Done that.” A newer, more fashionable, explanation of global cooling was required. Particulate matter being emitted from smoke stacks was considered to be most stylish. These particulates were creating an umbrella that was blocking out the warming rays of the sun, no matter how large the holes in the ozone layer.

In 1975, temperatures were reaching record lows. President Gerald Ford named Bertha Bernstein to head DOGINEL, the aforementioned Department of Government Interference in Nearly Everyone’s Life. Secretary Bernstein imprinted her identity on DOGINEL so firmly that DOGINEL came to be known as  “BIG MOTHER”.

In June 1976, BIG MOTHER instituted requirements that all smoke stacks have scrubbers to remove particulates. Many corporations threatened to move their factories overseas to avoid “scrubbing their stacks.”

Many Americans worried that large numbers of American businesses going offshore would lead to job and tax revenue losses and would increase the trade deficit.

 BIG MOTHER assured citizens that the loss of employment due to companies moving facilities out of the country would more than be made up by employment in industries that manufacture and install scrubbers, so-called “Clean Jobs”. Another claim by BIG MOTHER was that any tax losses could easily be offset by a smokestack scrubber tax. And, finally, the trade deficit was already so bad that any increase would hardly be noticeable.

 Skeptics pointed out that with the large number of companies expected to take their smokestacks out of the country, the expected tax revenues from the companies that stay behind might not meet expectations. The government replied that this was excessive attention to minor details and it was time to move forward and stop the incessant nit picking.

Critics also expressed fears that the atmosphere would suffer even more if companies were operating in countries where there were no controls on pollution. Pseudo-scientists pooh-poohed those worries. It had long been established that foreign pollution is harmless. “It is only American pollution that causes problems.”

By 1978, smokestacks were again making news. It had been apparent that despite the added scrubbers, smoke emitted from smoke stacks was still causing smog. It was determined that raising the height of industrial chimneys could reduce smog. A minimum height requirement for smokestacks was set. In theory this would allow the emitted gasses to be spewed far above the heads of the population.

A fine was immediately assessed on chimneys that did not meet the minimum heights. It was known as the short stack attack. The owners of chimneys which met the regulations were forced to pay levies to fund regulation enforcement.

We still weren’t finished with smokestacks. The following year, a study by the Evergreen University School of Advanced Whining proved that tall smoke stacks pumped sulfur high into the atmosphere. This sulfur, combined with moisture in the air, became sulfuric acid. The acid then returned to earth in the form of acid rain.

 This resulted in both warming and cooling conditions. The rain clouds cooled the surface of the earth but the sulfuric acid burned the heck out of everything on that surface.

So, companies emitting too much sulfur had to pay heavy fines, known as antacids.

Rain forest defoliation became the next great threat to the climate. No one was really sure why, but pseudo-scientists and bureaucrats everywhere were absolutely positive that rain forest defoliation was a greater danger than nuclear proliferation. Wags suggested we replace the missing trees with missile silos.

By the year 2000, both the number and the frequency of climatic disasters had exploded. Everything from batteries to bovine flatulence seemed to affect climate change. Carbon units, showered with “the sky is falling” alerts, began showing signs of disinterest. They were said to be suffering from Post-Climatic Stress Disorder.

If the environmental movement was to be revived and survive, it needed a single cause to rally around. At the end of the twentieth century, James Hansen, a disgruntled NASA scientist (not to be confused with Jim Hensen, the creator of the Muppets), predicted the earth’s temperature would rise by 3 degrees over the next decade with dreadful results.

James Hansen’s prediction proved to be off by 2.7 degrees. That made his prediction 10 times higher than the actual change. In most places, an error of 900% is considered a miss. Hansen claimed his prediction was within the margin of error and bureaucrats and pseudo-scientists agreed. After all, Hansen is a government employee.

Al Gore, another former government employee, had been having trouble getting back into the private sector. After a number of entrepreneurial dry holes, Gore brought in a gusher, by sinking a well in GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE.  

 Today, as we move into the 21st century, we see the defenders of the planet divided into two differing but loosely allied movements.

The first group ascribes to the “Nature Rules” philosophy. They believe that all carbon units are equal and that humanoid primates are no more important than learning-disabled slugs. Therefore, all carbon unit technology is unnecessary and dangerous with the exception of Ipods, Iphones, plasma televisions and X-boxes.

The fundamental goal of the “Nature Rules” movement is to return all carbon units to living a miserable existence in caves with a life expectancy slightly longer than that of a poodle. This is the only way to achieve the joy and contentment of being one with nature. Of course, the caverns would have to be wired for cable.

The Nature Rules movement hasn’t gained much popularity except with carbon units wearing dreadlocks and knit caps in the summertime and geriatric hippies.

Contrasting with the Nature Rules advocates are the Nature’s Guardians. They believe we are outside of nature and anything we do is therefore preternatural. Thus, it must be our divine mission to protect the “Natural” world since there is no one else to do it. Fantasy film producer and Hollywood hanger-on, Al Gore, is the acknowledged leader of this movement. It is highly lucrative. Al Gore is well on the road to becoming the world’s first Eco-billionaire.

So, what have we learned tonight? We have learned that the climate is more fragile than a teenage boys ego and that the earth needs more protection than Arlen Specter at a Town Hall meeting.

 Is the planet warming or is it cooling?

The answer is yes.

What can we do about it?

Whatever BIG MOTHER tells us.

 What happens to the environment if we don’t?

 Probably the same thing that happens if we do… except it will be cheaper.  

 Thank you for joining us in looking back at the wonderful world of Climate Change.

 After this commercial break, stay tuned for a treat for the kids, a cartoon on climate change with an all-star cast: 

That Waskely Weatha Wabbit featuring

Barney Frank as Sylvester the Cat, “Thufferin Thuccatash”,

Nancy Pelosi as Daffy Duck,

Glenn Beck as Bugs Bunny,

Al Gore as Fog Horn Leghorn,

Chris Dodd as Bashful Buzzard,

Rahm Emanuel as Wiley Coyote,

Harry Reid as Porky Pig,

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Yosemite Sam,

Chris Matthews as Pepe LePew,

 with a special guest appearance by

 Barack Hussein Obama as Elmer Fudd.

 Good Night and remember, your government is looking out for you.

The Evening News

Good evening. For tonight’s edition we once again open with our usual political-correctness update. The term “child molester” is now hate speech. It is being replaced by” toddler twiddler”.

No longer will those members of society who choose to take an alternate sexual byroad be labeled by derogatory language.

Also in the world of political correctness, there has been a reluctance to adopt the term “Islamo-naughty”, in place of  “Islamic Terrorist” or “Islamo-Fascist”.

The Obama Administration announced it would be offering incentives to those citizens and non-citizens who pledge to use the term “Islamo-Naughty”. Signers of the pledge would receive a free oil change and tire rotation with their next purchase of a GM product. They would also get a photo of Obama -- imprinted with a genuine, computer-generated duplication of a reproduction of an actual simulation of Obama’s autograph -- suitable for framing.

One last item on political correctness. “Carbon unit” has regained status as the proper species-neutral expression. There was some dispute as to whether it was discriminatory against non-carbon based entities such as rocks, water and air. But, it was finally decided that a certain degree of distinction between objects was perfectly reasonable.

On the international front, Bill Clinton is still in the news. During a press conference about his recent foray into North Korea, the former president asked, “Are there any other young attractive carbon units who need my services?” The newly released captives, when asked, “What was your most terrifying moment?” responded, “When President Clinton kept following us around the airplane asking whether we liked cigars.”

A furious Hilary Clinton asked why she, as Secretary of State, wasn’t sent instead of her husband. President Obama, with the leadership we have come to expect, answered, “Because I won and you didn’t.” 

On the national front, after the successful seating of Justice Sonia Sotomayor to the U.S. Supreme Court, it has been leaked that convicted cop-killer, Mumia Abu Jamal, is on President Obama’s short list for the next open seat.

Obama has reportedly said that if Sotomayor’s rich experience as a Latino carbon unit adds to the court “think what 30 years of experience on death row can bring”.

Town hall meetings are still centers of turmoil but a White House spokes-carbon unit explained that what appears to be angry voters is actually undocumented citizens who have come to America looking for work.

The shouting is the natural result of both cultural and language misunderstandings. When translators were brought in and the crowds were asked in their own language about health care reform, they were all very enthusiastic.

President Obama, ever the doting dad, recently decided to spend a day at the beach with his family. He flew in Air Force One, followed by a backup aircraft and an escort of twelve fighter jets. His entourage included 611 Secret Service agents, 423 reporters, 248 still-photographers and an additional 175 video camera operators. The president was also accompanied by his entire staff, which included Michelle’s personal hairdresser, the girls’ personal hairdressers as well as the hairdressers’ personal hairdressers. All in all, 3482 people were transported to Boca Raton, Florida.

Washington D.C. traffic was at a standstill while the president and his 743-car motorcade traveled to Andrews Air Force Base. Traffic in Miami was totally shut down for more that two hours upon the President’s arrival. More than 6000 residents of beachfront condominiums and hotels had to be evacuated for security reasons.

The girls grew bored shortly after arriving and the entire process had to be reversed. The cost of the trip was estimated at $11,000,000. When asked if he thought the inconvenience and cost to the citizens was worth it, President Obama replied, ”I won and they didn’t.”

On the economic front, Obama announced the complete success of his stimulus package. Unemployment, for the first time in American history, dropped to 0%. This was achieved by redefining “employment.”  Carbon units collecting unemployment checks are employed looking for work. If they are collecting checks while they are looking for work they are obviously employed looking for employment, therefore, they couldn’t possibly be unemployed.

Those carbon units who had run out of unemployment benefits and are no longer looking for work are now classified as retired.

In sports, Michael Vick has been picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles, after the University of Georgia turned down his offer to coach the Bulldogs.  While his actual role with the team has not been announced, it has been rumored that he will be responsible for quieting Philadelphia’s notorious Boo Birds, especially the hecklers of head coach, Andy Reid.

As part of his community service, Vick had been teaching young carbon units about the evils of dog fighting. However, eyebrows were raised when, at one session, Vick commented on the strength of one of his students and asked to see the youthful carbon unit’s teeth.

In religion, His Holiness Pope Albert Gore, spiritual leader of the Apostolic Church of the Environment, has begun naming members to his College of Cardinals. His first pick, Robert Kennedy Jr. was an obvious choice. He has been investigating toxic substances, personally, for years.

Before we go to weather, let me remind you that The Evening News will host a special edition tracking the long history of climate change going all the way back to the 1970’s. Watch for it.

Now to the weather, much of America has been experiencing record low temperatures this year. Some are referring to 2009 as “the year without a summer”. A New Yorker farmer lamented, “If this global warming keeps up the way it has been, I’m gonna have to start raising winter wheat in the summer time”. Also, there has yet to be a named storm in the Atlantic this year. This has been attributed to below-normal ocean temperatures. Residents along the Gulf Coast, when asked about the lack of tropical storms, replied, “ Yeah, but we’ve had some hellacious fog banks.” 

In entertainment, a new film will be hitting IMAX theaters soon called  “Dynamic Domestic Duo.” It is the exciting story of Julia Childs’ and Martha Stewart’s lifelong competition in mud wrestling.

That is all for this evening. Good night and sleep well. Remember, your Government is looking out for you. 

The Evening News

 Welcome to the evening news.

Before we read the news tonight, I would like to introduce our listeners to our new peace and tolerance segment.  In this segment it is our goal to promote greater understanding through the use of language.

 Tonight, we would like to inform our listeners that the word “primate” has been declared a derogatory term.  It implies a sense of superiority in walking on two feet.  As if those who walk on four or who crawl on their bellies are somehow innately inferior.  On this program we will never again use the “P word”.  It is hate language.  The proper expression is “carbon unit”.

 Also, it has become obvious that too many carbon units treat Islam and Muslims with a great deal of distrust.  We believe this is the fault of the careless use of language.  Terms such as Islamo-fascist, Islamo-terrorist and Islamic radical can only produce fear and suspicion.  We have replaced these words and their overly-harsh connotations with the much gentler, Islamo-naughty. We can all feel much better about that 

Now to the News

Tonight’s top story. 

 Thousands of carbon units took to the streets in celebration of America’s latest defeat. The announcement of  a declaration of loss in the United States’ war against the tiny Arab Emirate of Abu Dhabi was greeted with cheers across the nation today. No one knows what actually sparked the 36 hour conflict but ever since Congress made it illegal for America to actually win a war, nations have been lining up to give Uncle Sam a spanking.

 In related news, Congress has formed a special committee to determine when a war should actually be declared lost.

Senator Kennedy commented, “For far too long we have been allowing events on the battlefield determine whether a war is being won or lost.  Defeat should not be the province of soldiers.  Defeat belongs to the defeatists.”

The New York Times, NBC, CBS and CNN have all editorialized against this committee saying that the right to declare defeat belongs to the press and must not be infringed upon.

In a separate statement, Geraldo Rivera claimed that he alone has the necessary battlefield experience to tell when a war is actually lost.

 In an effort to save or troops from the embarrassment of constantly losing wars there is an ongoing discussion on the possibility of out-sourcing our military efforts.  Both China and India have shown an interest but because they are both have non-Caucasian populations, some in congress believe this might have a demoralizing effect on carbon units of  hue both here and abroad. There have even been suggestions that this is just another example of the exploitation of third world ethnics by the Euro-American male.

 France, on the other hand, has been named as the first choice for surrender surrogate by many in congress, since the French are by far the most experienced in managing sophisticated surrender situations.

 On the international front, a Beirut hospital was blown up today by Islamo-naughties,  the good news is an estimated 84 patients no longer require long term health care.           

 In further news, a joint action suit was won by child molesters against the parents of the children they molested. The court’s decision was that disparaging remarks by the parents caused the molesters irreparable harm.

 In Vermont, a law was passed holding that the parents of  molested children can be charged with criminal entrapment.  The law states that if the parents had not been negligent in shielding pedophiles from the damaging temptations caused by the children, it is obvious that no crime ever would have taken place.

 In education news, the Association of Ivy League History Professors has issued a statement that hueless, Christian, male carbon units have never made any worthwhile contribution to civilization and all history books shall be suitably amended.

 Some examples:

            Imam Abdul Newton was the scientist who defined modern physics.

            The Declaration of Independence was actually written by Tomas DeJeffersonia, it was written in Spanish.

            Rufus Washington commanded the Revolutionary Army.  It was the original Black Watch.

            Abigail Lincoln freed the slaves.

            The only hueless male carbon unit mentioned is Jamie, Brucie Hoban.  He didn’t build the White House but he certainly had a well-manicured hand in decorating it.

 Also in education news, years of experience or even a job are no longer required in order to gain tenure.  Looking to keep a steady supply of new ideas in the education of youth, all that will be needed for tenure is an intention to someday teach.  It does not even have to be an outwardly expressed intention.  Simply, go to any educational institution and say that you once thought about teaching and you will be guaranteed a job from which you cannot be fired.

 Around the nation, The San Francisco City Council today passed an ordinance making homosexuality mandatory.  At the same session, they declared they were seceding from the United States.  They then applied to Washington for foreign aid.

 137,000,000 illegal immigrants in Los Angeles County, protested the over-crowded conditions.  They claimed they were running out of places to throw their trash.

 In a related story, litters laws were overturned in the 9th circuit court of appeals as being discriminatory against the Hispanic culture.  A group of art professors from UCLA found a solution to the litter problem.  Trash is now called participatory landscaping.  The Los Angeles Department of Tourism has responded to this idea with great enthusiasm.  This year’s promotional effort will proudly proclaim that LA boasts the largest collection of participatory landscaping north of the Mexican border.

 Also from California, a law was passed making it a criminal offense for parents to correct their children.  A spokes-carbon unit for the state said, “Too many children have lost their right of free expression due to unwarranted limits placed on them by abusive parents.”

 Teachers in California have been given the right to use heroin to control unruly students, “For those times when Ritalin just isn’t enough.”

 In New York, a law was passed prohibiting exhaling in public.  It is intended to protect the public from second-hand air.

 On the political front, The office of Should-Have-Been President was made official today. This gives congressional authorization for those carbon units who actually lost the presidential election to behave as if they won.  Should-Have-Been-President Al Gore said that it was about time.

 After the announcement, Jimmy Carter was named as both the worst president and the worst Should-Have-Been-President of the twentieth century.

 Should-Have-Been-President John Kerry announced that he had changed his mind once again and was in fact running for president.  In a statement to the press, he explained, “I decided to run after I decided not to run after I decided to run.” He also promised that if elected, he would be an example of decisiveness and firm commitment.

 There has been a great deal of controversy over his proclamation that Kerry's recent visit to Iraq qualifies him to be an Iraqi war veteran.  Some claimed he was little more than a tourist. Kerry responded, "So What! I was little more tan a tourist in Viet Nam." He announced he was receiving his fourth Purple Heart for having a door slammed in is face by an uneducated paratrooper who stupidly insists he is not stuck in Iraq.

 Former president and according to his ardent supporters, Should-Have-Been-President-For-Life, Bill Clinton announced the publication of his book on how to have a successful marriage, “It Takes a Harem.”

 Hillary Clinton in a statement about her rival Barrack Hussein Obama said today, “ It shouldn’t matter whether or not he was educated in a Pakistani terrorist school, or whether he was named after one of the worst butchers in the Middle East.  We should only look at his character and experience or lack there of".

 "Just because Obama's father was a Mau Mau terrorist who slaughtered and raped nuns and cannibalized hueless carbon units should have no bearing on anyone’s vote and I will not attempt to use the fact that he will probably try to appoint Osama Bin Laden to the office of Secretary of Homeland Security against him.  I believe he will make a great president in another eight to ten years.  But If he should by some misfortune of Divine Justice receive my party’s nomination, I will be proud to join with my fellow democrats in saying, “Obama Rama Ding Dong.”

 In sports, the NBA was arrested today for pretty much everything. This shocking news comes after yesterday’s announcement that the NFL was being released on bail.

 In Religion, Christianity in an attempt to fight back against constant attacks from the ACLU, tried an end run by making toilets religious icons. This forced the ACLU to sue to have all toilets removed from public facilities.

 In anticipation of the court’s decision, public urination was legalized everywhere except San Francisco where it was always legal.

 In entertainment news Rock star Dung Heap was forced to issue an apology after referring to Paris Hilton as a stupid, slutty, blond, b---h.  Thousands of female carbon-units units protested saying that any reference to follicular hue was derogatory.  In his apology, Mr. Heap said that he was deeply upset that his statement might affect his record sales.  He also stated that he is not a hateful carbon unit and he believes his verbal outburst was caused by the mental abuse he suffered at the hands of those parents whose children he had molested before he became a star, when he was still an unknown pile of crap.  He amended his remarks to say that Paris Hilton was a stupid, slutty b---h.  Ms. Hilton responding by saying it was all right her hair was really bleached.

 After Mr. Heap’s admission, many in the entertainment industry rallied to his cause and spoke of the untold damage caused by the hate mongering of parents of abused children.  

 There is great excitement in the travel industry over the grand opening of  a fabulous resort in Vermont. The New Never Never Land has been billed as Disney World for pedophiles.  It is expected to be the first resort in this country to receive the coveted 69 butts rating from the Man Boy Love Association.  Up until now, it has always been believed that criminal prosecution would prevent the opening of such a grand resort in this country.

 ‘Whips and Shackles’ magazine, in a rare burst of hyperbole has declared this to be the most painfully thrilling event of the decade.  In a direct quote from the editorial section, “No longer will we be forced to seek our pleasures in tawdry surroundings under questionable sanitary conditions.”

 Entrée to the New Never Never Land will require membership.  According to press releases, “We will be select in our choice of clientele.”  As if to prove the point, the charter membership list is rumored to include, several of Vermont’s most prominent jurists, legislatures, and media executives.

 This will not be a bastion of male chauvinism, the National Education Association, will be holding it’s annual convention of sex education teachers at the new resort.  One charter member, a Vermont judge, said of the conventioneers, “Anyone who can figure out how to get paid for talking with a bunch of kids about sex is OK in my book.”

 Officials said that there are still employment opportunities at the resort.  No experience is necessary.  You only have to be a pre-teen, look like you are a pre-teen or be the corruptible guardian of a pre-teen.

 In our, the last word segment, we would like to discuss kindness.  We all need to be kind.  We need to be kind to our friends as well as our enemies.  If we are truly kind we cannot help but find kindness in return.  Kindness begets kindness.  We must all remember to turn the other cheek and hope that our enemies will grow tired of hitting us.  And finally if we are always kind and it still doesn’t stop us from getting beat up at least we will have the satisfaction of knowing we did nothing to deserve it.            

 That is all for tonight.  Sleep well.  Remember your government is looking after you.